


if memories could bleed (if dreams could scream)

by Forestgreengirl



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, CC-1010 | Fox Has Issues, CC-1010 | Fox Needs A Hug, Childhood Trauma, Fox genuinely is having the worst time of his life, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mental Breakdown, Mind Control, Mind Manipulation, No Beta We Die Like Clones, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Good Friend, Panic Attacks, Prophetic Dreams, Reconditioning gets mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:41:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25309918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forestgreengirl/pseuds/Forestgreengirl
Summary: Fox knows he set the blaster to stun.(or, a sad canon compliant/canon divergent at the same time au where Obi-Wan finds Fox in the aftermath of shooting Fives.)
Relationships: CC-1010 | Fox & Obi-Wan Kenobi, CC-1010 | Fox & Thorn
Comments: 20
Kudos: 246
Collections: Commander Fox





	if memories could bleed (if dreams could scream)

_ He set the blaster to stun. _

Fox repeats it like a mantra when he leaves that room, leaves that room where he pulled the trigger on a  _ vod.  _ He repeats it as he hurries down the streets of Coruscant, he couldn't stay in that room, couldn't stomach the sight of Rex’s rage, and Fives’ body, and the way his men stared at him with so much  _ horror.  _

  
So he ran. 

There's a particular brand of horror crawling up his throat, it makes his hands hurt by his sides, fingers spasming at the phantom feeling of a gun in his hand-

_ (he holds a gun against a vod, he holds a gun against a Jedi, he pulls the trigger. He wakes up-) _ _  
_ _  
_ -and can feel the pressing weight of something on his chest, making something inside him  _ burn.  _

_ He set the blaster to stun.  _

Fox mouths it to himself as he ducks into a thankfully empty alleyway, sinking down against the cobblestone walls, his hands grasping onto the cracked concrete beneath him. Usually he would be less inclined to let anyone see him looking so weak; but his head is spinning, and his breath is coming in short, harsh pants; he knows he needs to take his helmet off so he can breathe properly, but his helmet is  _ safe,  _ and the only thing he  _ knows  _ is his.

He doesn’t know what happened back in that building, doesn't know how he went from ordering his men to set it to stun-

_ (“You will order your men to set it to stun, and you will execute-  _ **good soldiers follow orders.** _ )  _

-and ending up holding a blaster in his hand, staring almost disoriented as Fives falls to the floor, and  _ stays there;  _ a burning mark through his chest and Fox wants to be  _ sick.  _

He promised himself he would never be forced to hurt a  _ vod  _ again; he was supposed to be able to protect his brothers, it was what Jango had told him was he duty, had made him promise to do his best to keep them safe  _ (“You’re the most level-headed one here, you will know when to stop. You need to keep your brothers safe.”)  _ and he knows Rex will  _ never  _ forgive him for this. Rex, who has spent  _ years  _ trying to rebuild his family, to fill the whole the loss of his batchmates left, and Fox took that  _ away  _ from him. 

A vod is marching on, and Fox never wanted it to be by his one hand

Fox is focusing hard enough on trying not to pass out in the alleyway there, trying to force some sort of air into his lungs, that he doesn’t notice somebody approaching, not until there’s somebody in front of him, hands out in front and speaking in low murmurs; something Fox can’t even hear, because his head feels like it’s filled with water-

_ (and waves break against buildings, and Fox hears his brothers yell behind him-) _ _  
_ _  
_ -a feeling he hadn’t felt since he got the news about Thorn  _ (and wasn’t that an ache that will never heal. He misses Thorn like he misses having his brothers with him, like he misses being able to trust himself.)  _ Thorn would be so disappointed in what Fox has done. 

“-ander Fox, are you  _ alright? _ ” and Fox recognises his voice, even through the water in his head; General Kenobi, Cody’s Jedi. He doesn’t know why the man is here, why he even bothers to talk to Fox  _ (he doesn’t know, he doesn’t know what Fox has done, what Fox will d-  _ **good soldiers follow orders, CC-1010.)**

“ _ Fox!”  _

And then there are hands grabbing at his helmet, trying to take what's  _ his away,  _ and Fox can’t lose anything else. He lashes out, his fist making contact with something  _ solid, but they still take his helmet and-  _

_ (-they take away what is Fox’s, and nothing feels real and he wants his brothers back-)  _

-and then there's light filling his eyes, Fox squints reflectively at the sudden influx of brightness, especially after having dimmed the lights inside his helmet. Faintly he’s aware of how wet his cheeks feel, he reaches his shaking hand up and is almost surprised when it comes away wet; he hasn’t cried for  _ months.  _ He didn’t cry when he found out Jango was dead, and he didn’t cry when he got news about Thorn, he had just stood there, praying to whatever gods out there that he was going to wake up.

“ _ Commander Fox!”  _ and suddenly everything becomes focused again. 

_ He set his blaster to stun.  _

“...General Kenobi-? What are you doing here?”    
  
“Glad to have you back with us Commander. Are you alright?”    
  
“I’m fine,” Fox begins, clearing his throat slightly, well aware of how fake that excuse sounds, Kenobi has  _ eyes,  _ he can definitely see that Fox looks like a wreck, “Don’t worry, sir; sorry about my overreaction.”    
  
Kenobi gives him a look of such  _ disbelief  _ that for a moment Fox feels like he’s staring at Cody. 

“Fox, you just had a panic attack, an  _ extreme one.  _ What happened?”    
  
“You don’t, you don’t know what happened?” and he wishes he could just not tell Kenobi, wishing he could just let there be  _ one  _ person he respected that didn’t know what Fox had done, that still believed Fox was  _ good,  _ that Fox was still worth saving. 

_ He set his blaster to stun.  _

“Know what?”    
  
“I...I- I uh, we had orders to subdue CT-55-  _ Fives,  _ we set our blasters to stun but mine wasn’t and-” and Fox watches with a growing tightness in his chest as a look of pure  _ grief  _ flashes over Kenobi’s face, and Fox is reflectively curling up, tilting his head away from Kenobi, wishing he was anywhere but here-

_ (“Do you know why you’re here, CC-1010? Do you know what has happen-”)  _ _  
_ _  
_ “Ah, that would be what I felt earlier. But, I asked if you were  _ okay.”  _

Fox blinks, having forgotten what words were; he didn’t see any hatred, or disgust on Kenobi’s face, and the man hadn’t immediately called for Fox to be reconditioned, the only thing he can see on Kenobi’s face is concern, and grief, and worst of all;  _ understanding.  _

“I’m good. I’m  _ fine.  _ I’m not compromised.”    
  
“I never said you were, Commander. Do you want to explain what happened with Fives?”    
  
And for a moment Fox can’t breathe, because he doesn't  _ know.  _ There are so many gaps, so many things he doesn't remember, things he can’t yet piece together. This isn’t the first time its happened, and he doubts it would be the last; and he  _ hates  _ that he can’t even trust his own mind anymore. 

He settles for a quiet, “I don’t know, sir.” instead. 

“What do you mean?”    
  
“I don’t remember it, sir; its mostly just a blur.”    
  
Kenobi looks thoughtful, and still so  _ worried,  _ like Fox is anything worth worrying about. 

“Does this happen often?”    
  
“Sometimes. Sir. More frequently recently.” 

Kenobi thankfully doesn’t try to comfort Fox, doesn’t make any attempt to make contact with him, and Fox is so  _ grateful  _ for it; he hated touch as much as he craved it, and he really could not handle that sort of thing right now, the itch under his skin hurting more than ever. 

“It’s okay Commander, we’ll sort this out, I promise. Would you mind coming with me to the council?”    
  
And Fox  _ knows  _ he needs to say yes, knows he should, but something inside of him  _ screams  _ not too, something sitting on the edge of his memory-

_ (“the jedi cannot know, CC-1010. You don’t want your brothers in danger do you?” and there's a hand reaching out, and Fox wants to scream.)  _

He remains silent, and a look of understanding passes over Kenobi’s face. 

“I promise Commander, I will not let any harm come to you.”

“It’s okay sir, I have to report back to the Chanceller.” And Fox doesn't even  _ know  _ why the thought of that makes him sick down to his very  _ core.  _

“I’ll tell the Chancellor you were with me, memory loss is serious; I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Fox wants to refuse, wants to walk away until he can lock himself in his office, and  _ wish  _ that this was just a nightmare he was going to wake up from, but Kenobi is looking at him with such an  _ open  _ look of concern, and friendliness that it reminds Fox so  _ vividly  _ of Thorn for a moment that he nearly loses his breath. 

“I guess.” 

Kenobi stands up, reaching a hand to pull up Fox, one that the Commander grabs to haul himself up. His vision swims for a moment, his legs unsteady beneath him, but Kenobi balances him.

_ He set his blaster to stun. _

He wishes Thorn was here. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I’m SO sorry for this.  
> but also not really. My sister enabled me for this, and my friends made it worse. Everyday I find new ways to torture Fox
> 
> come chat on tumblr! (@forestgreengirl)


End file.
